ENFJ – INTP Relationships: Je Ne Sais Quoi

We talk to a golden personality pair to explore an ENFJ – INTP relationship with Ellen and Brandon from California. Ellen, an ENFJ who is 32, and Brandon, an INTP who is also 32, started dating seven years ago while working for a non-profit organization. In this episode, they talk about pushing each other out of their comfort zones, overcoming their differences after the honeymoon period and Ellen’s passion for spreadsheets.

How the ENFJ – INTP relationship started

Ellen was initially Brandon’s boss and there was something about him that instantly drew her in when she arrived in the Sacramento office to start her new job.

“I was a shithead at work and they sent her to try calm me down,” says Brandon honestly.

“The office was actually a little rowdy,” agrees Ellen with some understatement. “It was a non-profit office. We were running a call center and we needed to calm it down a little bit.”

They started hanging out together at lunchtime and after work straight away. It did not go down well with the hierarchy in the company.

“I more or less got fired from the job because of Brandon, although at that time we weren’t even dating,” says Ellen. “We hadn’t started sleeping together or anything, so it was a little odd.”

However, Ellen admits she probably shouldn’t have been hanging out with her staff all the time, and Brandon specifically.

The ENFJ – INTP first date

They struggle to remember a first date because they’d initially become friends and had plenty of nights out together.

Nevertheless, Ellen likes to pinpoint their first date to an evening in McKinley Park, where they sat on the benches and watched the ducks at night.

Brandon’s memory of when he first set eyes on Ellen is much more specific. “She walked in for her first day and she was wearing this peacock blue dress.” He remembers thinking: “I want that girl.” Then as soon as they started socializing together, he realized she had a great personality too.

“For me,” says Ellen. “There’s just something about Brandon. He has this very attracting or engaging personality. He was just like electric to me. Unique would be a great word to describe him.”

This fits well with his rare INTP personality type. INTPs make up only about 3% of the population. And both have known their personality types for many years, which is what they attribute much of their great ENFJ – INTP relationship to.

16 personality types

“I first took a test in college and have been consistently the same personality type ever since,” says Brandon.

Likewise, Ellen has never waivered from being an ENFJ. “High school, that was the first time I took the test,” says Ellen. “I’m someone that will go back and retake it every year just to make sure nothing has changed or, if it has, to see what it is. I have been consistent for at least the last 10 years.”

Complementary ENFJ – INTP personality types

“I have to be a little bit more patient sometimes with the feeling aspect, like when she gets really emotional,” says Brandon. “I just have to remember: ‘She’s just more emotional than you are’ and for the most part, it’s a beneficial thing for me.”

Brandon feels it can help each other realize different things and enables them to work together to figure stuff out.

“We’re definitely very different people but we just complement each other,” says Ellen. “Sometimes I can be a little highly strung. I’m a very checklist-oriented type, like things-have-to-go-my-way person, whereas Brandon is a little more like he just goes with the flow. It’s nice to have that. It’s very helpful for me.”

Brandon thinks that the mix works perfectly. “It has always been an easy balance between us,” says Brandon. “Because she talks more and I just get to stand in the corner!”

It’s typical for ENFJs to do more of the talking in an ENFJ – INTP relationship…and it’s typical for INTPs to happy about that!

The ENFJ – INTP love story

The first time they admitted that they were in love was after a murder mystery party where Brandon was the one murdered.

“Brandon said ‘I love you’ first. It was very adorable,” says Ellen. “We went to a murder mystery party with Brandon’s colleagues. I was no longer working at the same office. Everyone was asking ‘what’s going on with you two?’ We really didn’t know how to answer that question, so when we came home that night, I was like, ‘So are you my boyfriend?’”

Ellen hadn’t had a boyfriend since eighth grade so it was an important moment for her. Despite both being rare personality types, they don’t find it difficult to meet people they click with because they are both so easy to get along with.

“Dude, I get along with everybody for the most part,” says Brandon.

Ellen agrees. “We’re both pretty personable. You talk to either one of us and, as much as Brandon likes to say he’s introverted and shy, he also loves talking to people too.”

The ENFJ – INTP special connection

Their easy-going nature means they are never short of conversation amongst themselves.

“We talk about the weirdest shit that comes to mind,” says Brandon.  My brain is all over the place sometimes. We talk about sports and politics, which sometimes gets heated because Ellen is quite political.”

“There’s just something about Brandon. His energy, or whatever. It just draws me in,” says Ellen. “He’s one of the kindest and nicest people that you’ll honest to God ever meet. My best friend Trish said, ‘You know, if there are three things that I know Brandon loves more than anything in the world, it’s Ellen, it’s his family and it’s his cats.’”

The ENFJ – INTP personality differences

Ellen also includes their friends in that list. “He’s super loyal and he’s just a good dude,” she adds. “He helps to ground me.”

Brandon knows that Ellen is good at making him try new things.

“Ellen helps me to understand certain things better, like my feelings and other people’s feelings because she is really caring and she gets very emotional about a lot of things,” says Brandon.

That is not to say, like most couples, they wouldn’t tweak the odd thing about each other.

“Brandon would probably like it if I was a little calmer sometimes,” Ellen admits. Brandon on the other hand is a lot more laid back in his approach in all walks of life and Ellen, at the start, had to encourage him to get more involved with her social circle.

However, after seven years, they know what the ticking points are. “I wouldn’t say anything to change in Brandon, because then he wouldn’t be the Brandon that I know,” says Ellen.

The ENFJ – INTP relationship challenges

Despite this, there have been some challenges. “Just being so different, more so early on after you pass through that honeymoon phase has been a challenge,” says Ellen.

“We were like, ‘Oh shit, we’re just so different’,” says Brandon. “And I’m very weak with keeping schedules.”

“And I’m very, very, very great at keeping schedules,” adds Ellen. “One of my top five favorite things to do is to plan and organize. I love Google Docs and spreadsheets.”

Brandon loves that Ellen’s organized ways make his life so much easier and their three-week trip to Thailand was a perfect example. “I didn’t plan a thing and didn’t know what the hell we were doing,” he says. “I just got off the plane. I was like, ‘What are we doing?’ I just let her take the reins.”

Sometimes though, Brandon tries to encourage Ellen not to overplan.

“Next month for our anniversary, we’re going up to the coast and staying in a tree house,” says Brandon.  “We’re not planning that much else besides going with the flow.”

The future of the ENFJ – INTP relationship

Having said that, they do agree on their future together in terms of marriage and children.

“I remember thinking ‘I’m going to spend the rest of my life with you’ even though we don’t plan on getting married or anything like that,” says Ellen. “We had these discussions pretty early on.”

It was on a day out to an olive oil tasting event early on in their relationship when they voiced their opinions.

“I said to you, ‘Oh, I never want to get married, so if that’s what you’re looking for, I’m not the right person’,” says Ellen. “Brandon, in a kind of joking but dead serious way, just looked back and started laughing like, ‘Wait, seriously? Because neither do I.’ And we were like, ‘Oh cool. Let’s continue our day now.’ We also don’t want kids. Honestly, it was probably one of the easiest conversations. It was like, ‘Cool. You cool? Perfect.’”

Even when they we just friends, Ellen made the big decision to stay in California because she felt that her and Brandon has a great connection and certainly does not regret that choice.

“I was at a crossroads,” says Ellen. “I felt like I needed to be here. Brandon was like, ‘Well, I can’t tell you what to do,’ but later was like, ‘Well, I definitely didn’t want you to go anywhere.’”

They have plenty of plans for their future together.

“More crazy adventures, man. I just want to have more fun,” says Brandon. Ellen, being the planner, is keen that they embrace travelling…but with a plan.

How to write your own love story

Sign up to So Syncd, the personality type dating app, for free today to find your perfect personality match and write your own love story. You can download So Syncd in your iOS or Android app store.

You can also read more of our real life love stories. We spoke to an ESTJ – ISFJ couple who live in Edinburgh, Scotland. They talk about the Law of Attraction, the many things they admire about each other and their ‘non-honeymoon’.