Do Matchmakers Work?

With online dating fatigue on the rise, many people are considering alternative ways to meet potential partners. One method of dating that has resurfaced in recent years is matchmakers. But do matchmakers work? Are they the magic solution to finding true love? Or are they a waste of money? In this article, we explore the concept of matchmakers and whether they can actually help you find the partner of your dreams.

Since setting up a dating app over four years ago, I have been heavily involved in the dating industry (the dating app no longer exists—RIP So Syncd dating app). I have friends who are founders of dating apps, as well as friends who are matchmakers, so I’ve been able to get a well-rounded view of the dating world.

Matchmaking has fascinated me for a long time. The idea of having an expert help you find a partner seems like a sensible and efficient solution to a daunting task. But it’s not quite that simple. There are several nuances to understand before entrusting your love life to a matchmaker. So let’s take a closer look at the world of matchmaking and whether it might be right for you.

How do matchmakers work?

First, let’s clarify what a matchmaker is. Matchmakers are individuals who pair couples for romantic relationships. They act as an intermediary between two people, using their knowledge and connections to find suitable matches.

Matchmakers have clients who pay them to find potential partners. In the US, it costs anywhere from $4,000 to $500,000+ to hire a matchmaker. For that price, you usually get six months of matchmaking services, and that will typically include one date per month. The packages vary, but the numbers I’m sharing are the most common.

Clients meet with their matchmaker and typically undergo an extensive interview process, during which they are asked about themselves, their dating history, and what they are looking for in a partner. Matchmakers then use this information to search for potential matches.

Matchmakers usually have a database of singles who have signed up to be matched with paying clients. This is usually called the “matchmaking pool.” If you join the matchmaking pool, you might pay a small amount, say $10 per month or per year, to be considered for dates with paying clients. Sometimes it’s free to join the matchmaking pool.

If you’re in the matchmaking pool, you aren’t guaranteed any dates. This means that you might end up paying for multiple months or even years without ever going on a date, but it also means you might go on multiple dates in a short period with someone doing the admin for you. It comes down to luck and timing. If the matchmaker has a client who is looking for someone like you at that moment, then they will reach out to you and ask if you’d like to go on a date. If not, then you may have to wait longer or may never get matched at all.

Matchmakers also actively recruit for their clients by reaching out to individuals on social media and attending networking events. I have seen matchmakers attend events specifically to find people who might be a good match for their clients. “International” matchmaking packages, which involve expanding the search outside of the matchmaker’s local area, tend to be more expensive.

Once the matchmakers have found potential matches, they’ll ask the client if they’re interested in meeting those individuals. Of course, the potential matches also need to opt in. The opt-in process usually involves sharing a limited amount of information with both parties, such as a photo and basic bio. Sometimes, no photos are shared prior to the meeting.

If both parties agree to meet, the matchmaker will set up a date and arrange the logistics, such as time and location. You might be given each other’s numbers beforehand, but sometimes, you won’t receive each other’s contact information at all. The matchmaker will usually confirm that both parties are still interested in meeting on the day the date takes place.

After the date, the matchmaker will get in touch with both parties to see how it went and collect any feedback. If both parties are interested in a second date, it’s now up to them to take the next steps and plan it themselves. If it’s a no from one or both parties, the matchmaker will tactfully share the feedback and continue searching for potential matches for their client.

If you find someone you like and want to continue dating them exclusively, you can let your matchmaker know and pause the service for a period of time. This is called going “on hold”. You usually get two hold opportunities per six-month contract, so you can’t keep going on hold and then returning to the service again and again. This is fair enough because the matchmakers need to manage their resources.

Now you know how it all works, let’s look at the pros and cons of matchmaking, as well as some points to consider if you’re thinking about hiring a matchmaker.

The advantages of matchmaking

Here are the main advantages of matchmaking.

1. It saves time

One major benefit of using a matchmaker is that it saves you time. Instead of swiping through countless profiles or going on multiple first dates, matchmakers do the initial screening for you and set up potential matches based on your preferences. This can be especially beneficial for busy professionals who don’t have much free time. It typically takes many hours to plan one date using dating apps when you take into account the swiping, matching, chatting, organizing, etc. So having someone else do the legwork for you can be a huge advantage, particularly if you find all of these things painful.

2. You receive feedback on your dates

Another huge advantage of using a matchmaker is that you receive feedback on your dates. This can help you understand what went well and what areas you may need to improve on in the future. If you meet someone in real life or on a dating app, you’ll probably receive a message saying something generic like they didn’t feel a connection. Matchmaking is one of the only ways to get truthful, constructive feedback on your dating behaviors. Matchmakers are highly skilled at taking feedback and sharing it in a way that isn’t offensive or hurtful. They filter and paraphrase comments, so they are actually helpful and can help you improve.

3. You get a personalized service and guidance

Having a matchmaker means you have someone guiding and supporting you throughout your dating journey. They can offer personalized advice. Some matchmaking packages explicitly include dating coaching sessions, which can be hugely helpful. But even if you don’t have these sessions included, matchmakers are often happy to provide guidance and tips along the way. If you’re not sure about what to wear on a date or how a text message might come across, you can usually turn to your matchmaker for their expert opinion.

4. You have access to a vetted pool of potential matches

5. You have a companion for your dating journey

It isn’t uncommon for clients to develop a friendly relationship with their matchmaker. After all, matchmakers are involved in one of the most intimate aspects of your life. They get to know you on a personal level and can provide emotional support and encouragement throughout your dating journey. For some people, this is invaluable. The dating process often involves major ups and downs, and having a supportive matchmaker by your side can make the process less daunting. They can help to put things into perspective when you’re feeling discouraged or give you a pep talk before a date.

6. You have someone who can point out negative dating patterns

Another benefit of using matchmakers is that they can help you identify any negative patterns that might be holding you back in your dating life. It can be difficult to spot these patterns ourselves, but a matchmaker who observes our dating behaviors over time can help bring them to light. For example, if someone self-sabotages, a matchmaker can help them recognize this pattern. They can then potentially help their clients break these patterns, too, although that’s sometimes one for therapy. Matchmakers won’t usually pick up on these things in the early stages, but after a few introductions and observing how people react to different situations, they often start to notice patterns. They’ll likely have seen these patterns many times before in other clients, so they usually know what to look out for.

7. You have someone advocating for you

When working with a matchmaker, they are your advocate. They will talk you up and make sure potential matches know what a great catch you are. This can be particularly helpful for those who are shy or struggle with self-promotion. It’s nice to have someone in your corner, cheering you on and helping you put your best foot forward. They will also be there to mediate if issues or misunderstandings arise during the dating process. Having a professional matchmaker as your advocate can make the dating process smoother and less stressful.

The drawbacks of matchmaking

It’s not all rainbows and unicorns when it comes to matchmaking, though. Here are the potential drawbacks to keep in mind.

1. It can be costly

As mentioned earlier, hiring a matchmaker can come with a hefty price tag. It’s much more expensive than using a dating app or going on blind dates set up by friends. Matchmakers don’t make guarantees in terms of finding a long-term partner. So if you don’t find what you’re looking for, you’ll still have to pay the matchmaking fees. For some people, it just isn’t worth the financial investment, and hopefully, this article can help you figure out if it is for you. You should only pay what you can afford to lose.

2. You probably won’t find a long-term partner with one contract

As with any dating method, there are no guarantees that you’ll find a partner through matchmaking. I have searched high and low for accurate success rates for matchmaking services, but there aren’t any reliable statistics available. Having talked with my matchmaker friends, it’s clear that most people don’t find a long-term partner within one contract. It’s rare if you do. Some people renew their contracts multiple times before finding someone they want to continue dating exclusively, and some people never find a long-term partner through matchmaking. Chemistry and connection are hard to predict, even for professionals with many years of experience. One of the best matchmakers I know who has been in the business for decades admits that they just don’t know if two people will hit it off, and that’s understandable.

3. It might not actually expand your dating pool

One common misconception about matchmakers is that you’ll suddenly have access to a whole new pool of potential dates that perfectly fit your criteria. Some people use matchmakers as a way to find people outside of their usual dating pool, but it doesn’t always work like that. The reality is that the majority of people you go on dates with through matchmaking will also be on dating apps. So if you use dating apps already, you’re not necessarily expanding your dating pool by using a matchmaker. Matchmakers aren’t gatekeeping a secret society of perfect singles—the people they introduce you to have their flaws and quirks, just like anyone else.

4. Some matchmakers are just trying to hit quotas

5. You aren’t necessarily going to meet people who are more committed

As a matchmaking client, you may or may not be matched with other clients. If you are matched with other clients, there’s a higher chance that they will genuinely be looking for a serious relationship. But if you go on dates with people from the matchmaking pool who aren’t clients, then it’s similar to going on dates with people you meet through dating apps. After all, if they are potentially only paying $10 a year or nothing at all, they are less likely to be committed to finding a long-term partner. The screening process for the matchmaking pool may filter out some people, but it isn’t foolproof. in addition, some matchmaking clients use the services solely to save time or simply try it out, so even if you do get matched with another paying client, there’s still no guarantee that they are looking for something serious.

6. Your interactions can be less organic

As we’ve touched on, it’s common for matchmakers to act as mediators. While this can be good in some ways, it can also have its downsides. For example, they might talk potential matches into going on a date, even if they aren’t keen. Matchmakers are skilled at “selling” people to each other. They know the phrases that people want to hear. While this can be positive in some scenarios, it can also mean that sometimes two people end up on a date when it probably shouldn’t have ever happened in the first place. As you can probably imagine, this can make for a less-than-ideal first-date experience. In addition, matchmakers can be pushy. They may try to convince you to go on another date with someone even if you’re not feeling it. This can be frustrating if you know that there’s no chemistry, but the matchmaker is insisting that you give it another try or send a message that just doesn’t feel right. If you’re the kind of person who knows what you want in dating, it can be frustrating to try to navigate this dynamic.

7. It can be emotionally draining

Once you’re on the matchmaking train, you kind of have to keep going. With non-matchmaking dating, you can take a break if you feel like it—you have control over when and how often you go on dates. With matchmakers, you only get limited holds, so you need to be a bit strategic with when you use them. You might not want to “waste” one of your “on hold” opportunities because you don’t know if you’ll want to save them for future dates. As such, you can end up going on dates (which you’ve probably paid a decent amount of money for) when you’re not in the right headspace. This can be emotionally draining, especially if you feel like you’re not making any progress towards finding what you’re looking for. For people who greatly value their freedom, feeling this pressure to continue dating, even if they’re not feeling it, can be stifling.

Important points to consider

There are some additional points to consider that don’t fit neatly into the pros and cons list but are still relevant to the discussion of matchmaking.

1. Matchmaking doesn’t change the rules of dating: At the end of the day, matchmaking doesn’t change the fundamental rules and dynamics of dating. You still need to put in effort, be open-minded, and communicate effectively if you want to build a healthy relationship. Just because you’re using a matchmaker, it doesn’t mean that all the hard work is done for you. In fact, only a very small part of the hard work is done by the matchmaker – the rest is up to you.
2. You need to have realistic expectations: You won’t suddenly start dating supermodels and billionaires just because you hired a matchmaker (and remember, they are normal, flawed people, too). It can be easy to fall into the trap of thinking that because you’re paying for a service, you can pick and choose from a pool of perfect people. One of the most important aspects of successful matchmaking is having realistic expectations about what the service can provide and being open to different types of people. Just like with dating in general, you might have to compromise on certain things (of course, you shouldn’t compromise on dealbreakers).
3. It’s a vulnerable process that you need to be ready for: Matchmaking requires a certain level of vulnerability that isn’t for everyone. Think about the vulnerability required in a typical dating process – opening up to someone new, being honest about your feelings and intentions, putting yourself out there, and potentially getting rejected. Now imagine doing all that with someone you barely know observing your dating journey and collecting feedback from your dates. It can be a lot to handle, so make sure you feel mentally and emotionally prepared before diving into matchmaking. In particular, if you have an avoidant attachment style, matchmaking can be deeply uncomfortable. Your instincts will be telling you to run and shut down when you’re in a vulnerable situation, but matchmaking forces you to stay and confront your feelings head-on. This can be a source of growth, but it can also be too much for some people to handle.
4. Ignore advertised success rates: A lot of matchmaker websites and services boast of “95% success rates,”  but these are, excuse my French, BS. My sources say that the average success rates are far lower, even for the most successful matchmakers. I get why they feel a need to advertise these success rates – other matchmakers do it, and if they don’t promote similar numbers, they are at a major disadvantage. I’m also not saying that every single matchmaker in the world is lying about their success rates. But the vast majority of these numbers are misleading. If any matchmaker consistently had a 95% success rate, they’d be famous all around the world, and everyone would know about them.
5. Matchmakers work for the client, not the pool: Matchmakers are advocates for their clients, not the matchmaking pool. If you’re in the matchmaking pool, hopefully, they also want to find a great match for you. But mostly, it’s about keeping their paying clients satisfied. This means that they might put pressure on you to go on dates that you’re not interested in or push you to give someone another second chance, even if it clearly isn’t in your best interests. Sometimes, they will do this out of genuine belief that the match could work, but other times it’s about the business side of things. So bear in mind that the matchmaker might not have your best interests at heart when they’re telling you to give it another go with someone.
6. Some matchmaking clients are rude and entitled: Unfortunately, some matchmaking clients are rude and entitled. They can think that because they’re paying for the service, they have the right to treat their dates poorly. Whether you’re a client dating another client or someone in the matchmaking pool dating a client, be prepared to encounter some arrogant people with bad attitudes. You might get ghosted, stood up, or subjected to offensive comments. I mean, this can happen in dating no matter how you meet, so it isn’t exclusive to matchmaking dates. But that mentality of “I’m paying for this service so I can act however I want” is a real thing, and it can make things unpleasant for everyone involved. These kinds of people are the exception rather than the rule, but it’s still something to be aware of.
7. Established matchmakers often turn down clients: It’s common for established matchmakers to turn down clients who they don’t think they can work with. A lot of them have been burned from taking on clients who were too picky and realized it isn’t worth the headache. This means that if you have unrealistic expectations or a long list of dealbreakers, not all matchmakers will be willing to work with you. A lot of matchmakers pay close attention to people’s attitudes and expectations during the consultation process. If they sense that your expectations are unrealistically high, they will most likely turn you down to save themselves the trouble. That said, newer matchmakers who are still building their reputation generally aren’t selective with their clients, as they don’t have that luxury yet.
8. You might get your best dates at the start: As discussed, it’s difficult for anyone to predict chemistry and connection. So it’s hard to say when or if you’ll meet someone who you really click with during a matchmaking process. But on average, you are more likely to get your best dates at the start of your matchmaking journey. This is because matchmakers will tap into their close networks as soon as they take you on as a client, meaning that you’re more likely to meet people they are personally connected with or have two degrees of separation from. This means that the “vetting” process is likely to be better for these people. As your matchmaking journey progresses, it can become harder for the matchmaker to find suitable candidates that meet your criteria, and they may have to cast a wider net. So if you go on a great date with someone at the beginning, make sure to put in the effort to see if it could develop into something more. Don’t assume that there will be plenty more good dates to come, as they may not all be as promising. However, this isn’t a hard and fast rule – you can, of course, still meet incredible people later on in the process.

Final thoughts on matchmakers

This post turned out to be much longer than I expected. It’s midnight and I’m tired. But hopefully, it has shed some light on the world of matchmakers and helped you form a thorough, realistic view of their services. As with all avenues of dating, there are pros and cons to using a matchmaker.

Personally, I think the main advantages of using matchmakers are the time savings in finding potential matches and receiving feedback from dates. The key questions are whether that’s worth the cost to you and whether you are prepared for the vulnerability that comes with it.

Being a matchmaker is hard. Think about it: these people, who barely know you, have been tasked with finding you a life partner. Not only do they have to find potential matches who meet your criteria, but these matches need to be interested in you, too. You also both need to feel a connection and be looking for similar things in life. Once you have all that, you both need to be committed to making it work. It’s a lot. If you’ve found it hard to find a partner yourself, it’s going to be hard for someone else to do it for you.

Last but not least, you have to be prepared for the reality that even if you pay for a matchmaker, you might not find what you’re looking for. There are no guarantees in love. So if you do decide to use a matchmaker, go into it with an open mind and realistic expectations. And remember that while matchmakers can introduce you to potential partners, the rest is up to you.