Why Good People Lie in Relationships
We are taught to be honest from a young age. Whether it’s our parents, teachers, or society in general, the message is clear: lying is bad. But what if we told you that honesty isn’t always the best policy when it comes to relationships? Maybe it’s not a coincidence that the author of the book “Radical Honesty” has been married five times. In this article, we look at why good people lie in relationships.
We are taught to be honest from a young age. Whether it’s our parents, teachers, or society in general, the message is clear: lying is bad. But what if we told you that honesty isn’t always the best policy when it comes to relationships? Maybe it’s not a coincidence that the author of the book “Radical Honesty” has been married five times. In this article, we look at why good people lie in relationships.
Even at So Syncd, we often state that being open and honest is essential for a successful relationship. In some ways, that’s true, but it’s much more nuanced than that. It would be too much to delve into all the nuances every time we mentioned the importance of honesty. But today, we’re going to do just that.
Not all lies are equal. There are two main categories of lies in relationships: prosocial and self-serving. Prosocial lies are those that are told with the intention of protecting someone else’s feelings. Self-serving lies, on the other hand, are told with the primary intent of benefiting oneself. Let’s explore both types of lies in more detail.
Prosocial lies
Prosocial lies can include things like telling your partner that their outfit looks great when you don’t really think so or pretending to enjoy a meal cooked by your in-laws. These types of lies can help to maintain harmony in a relationship. After all, do you really want to hurt your partner’s feelings over something small or insignificant?
Telling prosocial lies can show consideration for your partner. In fact, studies have shown that higher levels of compassion and empathy lead to more prosocial lying. It makes sense. If you care about your partner’s feelings and you have the emotional intelligence to understand how your actions and words might impact them, you may be more likely to tell a lie in certain situations to protect them. One study found that people who tell more prosocial lies are perceived as more ethical.
The main aim of prosocial lies is to protect someone’s feelings rather than to deceive them. The deception is secondary to the intention of being kind. Prosocial lies don’t come without their risks, though. If your partner finds out that you’ve been lying to spare their feelings, it may make them question what else you could be hiding from them. This can undermine trust in the relationship.
Self-serving lies
Self-serving lies are more problematic in relationships as they aren’t motivated by empathy or consideration for the other person. Instead, they are often driven by self-preservation, insecurity, or manipulation. Examples of self-serving lies in relationships can include lying about your income, cheating on your partner, or hiding an addiction.
Self-serving lies have been found to correlate with Machiavellianism. Again, this makes sense seeing as Machiavellianism is characterized by a lack of empathy. As such, someone who falls on this spectrum may be more likely to lie without regard for how it affects others. In relationships, self-serving lies may be used as a way to control or manipulate a partner. They may also be used by the person telling the lies to avoid facing the consequences of their actions.
The main aim of self-serving lies is deception. The intention isn’t to protect someone’s feelings but rather to serve the liar’s own interests. In fact, the other partner’s feelings may not factor into the decision to lie at all. These are the kinds of lies that can do real damage to a relationship and are associated with betrayal.
Differentiating between self-serving and prosocial lies
It isn’t always black and white when it comes to categorizing lies. Some lies are a mix of the two. For example, if you tell your partner that their outfit looks great when you don’t believe it, it could be a little bit of both. You may want to protect their feelings, but you might also want to avoid conflict for your own benefit.
That said, there is almost always a clear primary motivation behind a lie. If that motivation is predominantly to deceive your partner, it falls into the category of a self-serving lie. If you’re mostly lying with the intention of protecting your partner’s feelings, it can be classified as prosocial. The magnitude of the lie can also play a role in the morality of it.
One example that is often debated is lying about cheating. Some may claim they lie about it because they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings. The reality is that it’s almost always a self-serving lie that is told to protect the liar’s own interests and avoid the consequences. You could argue that if someone was that concerned with their partner’s feelings, it’s unlikely that they would have cheated in the first place. While it’s true that lying about cheating can prevent immediate hurt, the deception can lead to greater harm in the long run if the truth is eventually discovered. That is always a risk.
How does lying impact relationship satisfaction?
Now we have explored the two main types of lies in relationships, let’s take a look at how lying can impact relationship satisfaction. One study showed that those who were satisfied with their relationship told more prosocial lies. In fact, the more satisfied someone was with their relationship, the more strongly they preferred prosocial lies over the truth.
This could indicate that those who have higher levels of empathy and compassion are more likely to tell prosocial lies because they can predict the impact of their words on their partner. In other words, they have the ability to put themselves in their partner’s shoes and act accordingly. It stands to reason that those with a higher level of emotional intelligence would have more successful and satisfying relationships.
Equally, it could be that those who are more satisfied with their relationship are more invested in protecting their partner’s feelings and maintaining harmony. After all, if you’re happy in your relationship, you may be more motivated to keep things running smoothly. On the flip side, if you’re unhappy in your relationship, you may be less likely to watch what you say.
So is it cause or effect? Does being more satisfied in your relationship make you tell more prosocial lies, or does telling more prosocial lies lead to greater satisfaction? It could also be a bit of both.
Should we all lie more in our love lives?
While this article makes a case for telling more prosocial lies in relationships, it’s still not as simple as “telling more prosocial lies = a happier relationship.” In some situations, hurting someone’s feelings with the truth can be best in the long run. In addition, you have to consider how the situation may impact you, as well as other people.
For example, if you’re dating someone and you realize you’re just not that into them, it’s often kinder to tell them the truth sooner rather than lead them on. Sure, it might hurt their feelings in the short term, but it’s a necessary step towards giving them and yourself the chance to find someone who is better suited. Ultimately, we do need more honesty in the realm of dating and relationships.
That said, prosocial lies can play a powerful role in maintaining relationships’ happiness, harmony, and stability. They shouldn’t be underestimated. One of my friends has a favorite quote: “Honesty without compassion is cruelty.” Our words and actions should be guided by consideration for others, and if that sometimes means telling a white lie, it may be for the greater good.
At the end of the day, we haven’t evolved to be completely honest with each other all the time. We have evolved to seek harmony and maintain social bonds. It’s just a part of human nature. Hearing brutally honest truths can hurt and disrupt relationships irreparably. While truth is important, so is kindness. Prosocial lies are a somewhat fuzzy concept, and there is no hard-and-fast rule for when they are appropriate. A lot of it comes down to personal values and beliefs.
It’s worth noting that there’s no excuse for self-serving lies in a relationship. These types of lies can be toxic and destructive. It’s absolutely not okay to deceive your partner for personal gain. We can confidently say that there is a hard-and-fast rule for this type of lie, and that is to never do it.
Final thoughts on why good people lie in relationships
In conclusion, there’s much more to lying than meets the eye. Next time you hear someone promoting complete honesty, you will now know that it isn’t always the best policy. But don’t tell them. After all, you wouldn’t want to hurt their feelings now, would you?
