17 Things Your Partner Should Never Say to You
Strong relationships are built on the foundation of love, trust, and effective communication. However, even the most solid partnerships can be shaken by words that cut deep and leave lasting scars. This blog posts shed light on 17 things your partner should never say to you. It can sometimes be hard to tell if your partner’s words are actually toxic, as they may come in the form of jokes or sarcasm. But it’s important to recognize when those seemingly harmless comments cross a line and become hurtful or damaging.
Strong relationships are built on the foundation of love, trust, and effective communication. However, even the most solid partnerships can be shaken by words that cut deep and leave lasting scars. This blog posts shed light on 17 things your partner should never say to you. It can sometimes be hard to tell if your partner’s words are actually toxic, as they may come in the form of jokes or sarcasm. But it’s important to recognize when those seemingly harmless comments cross a line and become hurtful or damaging.
Effective communication in relationships is more than just expression; it’s about understanding the impact of our words and choosing them carefully. For love to flourish, it requires respect, kindness, and a sense of emotional safety. Whether you’re in a new relationship or have been with your partner for years, here are the 17 things your partner should never say to you.
17 things your partner should never say to you
1. “You’re so …” – Filling the blank with negativity
Blanket negative character attacks rarely contribute to a healthy conversation. “You’re so lazy” or “You’re so selfish” can damage your self-worth and create a sense of resentment. If your partner has an issue with your behavior, it’s better to address it directly and constructively rather than using negative labels.
2. “Why can’t you be more like …” – Unattainable comparisons
Being compared to an idealized standard or to people in your partner’s present or past is a recipe for toxicity. “Why can’t you be more like my ex?” or “Why aren’t you as successful as my friend’s partner?” invalidates your unique qualities and achievements. Every person is an individual with their own strengths and weaknesses.
3. “You always …” or “You never …” – Broad generalizations
Using sweeping terms like “always” or “never” can escalate a disagreement and make it harder to find common ground. Phrases like “You always mess things up” are unfair statements that are usually untrue and used as a weapon in the heat of the moment. Your partner shouldn’t be making these bold generalizations and instead should focus on specific instances and behaviors that have upset them.
4. “It’s not a big deal, just get over it” – Minimizing feelings
Your feelings, regardless of how your partner perceives the situation, are always valid. Phrases like “It’s not a big deal, just get over it” or “Calm down” dismiss your emotions, leaving you feeling unheard and unimportant. Your partner should be able to empathize and validate your feelings, even if they don’t fully understand them. A better approach would be to say, “I may not understand how you’re feeling, but I want to support you.” As the age-old saying goes, “Never in the history of calming down has anyone calmed down by being told to calm down.”
5. “I told you so” – Playing the blame game
No one likes to be constantly reminded of their mistakes, especially by a loved one. “I told you so” is a passive-aggressive way for your partner to rub salt into the wound and try to prove themselves right. A healthy relationship involves acknowledging mistakes, learning from them, and moving on together. Instead of focusing on who was right or wrong, it’s essential to work together to figure out what went wrong and how to improve in the future.
6. “I don’t know why you’re with me” – Self-deprecating remarks
Self-doubt and self-deprecation are often internal battles one fights alone. When your partner says, “I don’t know why you’re with me,” they’re seeking reassurance. However, if these remarks are frequent, they can be emotionally draining and make you feel like you constantly have to boost their self-esteem. Your partner should work on building their own confidence instead of relying on you for validation.
7. “You’re being crazy” or “You’re too sensitive” – Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation that aims to make you question your reality and sanity. Phrases like “You’re being too sensitive” or “You’re acting crazy” invalidate your emotions and experiences, making it easier for your partner to control the narrative. Your partner should listen to your perspective without diminishing or dismissing it.
8. “I’ll leave if you don’t …” – Ultimatums
Ultimatums, such as “I’ll leave if you don’t stop talking to your friend” or “I’ll leave if you don’t start cooking me dinner more often,” are toxic and manipulative. They create a sense of fear and pressure to make you comply with your partner’s demands, even if they’re unreasonable. Your relationship should be based on mutual respect and compromise, not threats.
9. “You made me do it” – Shifting responsibility
Your partner should take responsibility for their actions and not blame you for their choices. Saying, “You made me do it,” is a form of justification that avoids accountability and puts the burden on you. If they’ve done something wrong, they should own up to it and work towards making amends. Each partner should take responsibility for their choices and their role in the relationship dynamics.
10. “You’re too much” or “You’re not enough” – Undermining self-worth
These seemingly innocent phrases can have a profound impact on your self-esteem. Comparing you to others or assigning labels like “too clingy” or “not ambitious enough” are ways your partner can undermine your worth. Your partner should accept you for who you are and communicate any issues they have in a respectful manner without belittling you.
11. “You’re just like your (family member)” – Family blaming
Families are complex, and everyone has different relationships with each family member. When your partner blames you for being “just like your brother” or “just like your mother,” they’re not acknowledging your individuality and are instead projecting their issues with that family member onto you. Your partner should not use complex family dynamics as a weapon in your relationship.
12. “No wonder … did XYZ to you” – Victim-blaming
No matter the circumstances, no one deserves to be mistreated or abused. When your partner says, “No wonder your ex cheated on you” or “No wonder your boss fired you,” they’re victim-blaming and downplaying the impact of someone else’s actions. Your partner should offer support and understanding instead of using past trauma you told them in confidence against you.
13. “I’ll forgive you, but I won’t forget” – Holding grudges
Forgiveness is a crucial aspect of any healthy relationship, and holding onto grudges can poison it. Saying, “I’ll forgive, but I won’t forget,” means your partner isn’t truly forgiving you and is instead keeping the transgression as ammunition for future arguments. This might make you wary of sharing your mistakes with them in the future, hindering open communication and growth in the relationship. Your partner should practice genuine forgiveness and move on from past mistakes instead of using them as leverage.
14. “I do everything in this relationship” – Keeping score
Relationships are a partnership, and it’s not healthy to keep score or use a point system to prove who does more. If your partner constantly reminds you of all the things they do, it creates a power imbalance and can lead to resentment. A healthy relationship involves open communication about responsibilities and finding a balance that works for both partners.
15. “You’re the only one I have” – Emotional blackmail
Emotional blackmail is when someone uses guilt or fear to get what they want from you. Saying, “You’re the only one I have,” or “I can’t live without you,” puts pressure on you to stay in the relationship even if it’s unhealthy. Your partner should value your feelings and decisions, whether it involves staying together or parting ways.
16. “Well, you did XYZ last month, so…” – Bringing up past mistakes
Bringing up past mistakes in arguments is unproductive and can lead to a cycle of resentment and hurt. If your partner continually brings up something you did in the past, it means they haven’t truly forgiven you. It’s essential to address issues as they arise and work towards resolving them instead of holding onto them for future ammunition. If they say they’ve forgiven you, they should let go of past mistakes and focus on moving forward.
17. “You’re… Only joking” – Using humor to mask hurtful comments
Humor can be a healthy aspect of relationships, but it shouldn’t be used as a mask for hurtful or disrespectful comments. Saying, “I’m just joking” after making a hurtful remark invalidates your feelings and makes you feel like you’re overreacting. Your partner should respect your boundaries and not use humor as a way to insult you or say hurtful things.
What to do if you experience any of these phrases?
If you experience any of these phrases in your relationship, it’s essential to address them with your partner. Communication is key in any healthy relationship, and discussing how their words make you feel can help improve the dynamic. It’s also crucial for your partner to acknowledge their toxic behavior and be willing to work on improving it. If they are unwilling to change or dismiss your concerns, it may be necessary to seek outside help from a therapist or consider ending the relationship for your well-being. Here are a few steps you can take to work through these toxic phrases in your relationship:
- Identify the toxic phrase: The first step is to recognize when your partner says something that is harmful or manipulative.
- Communicate your feelings: It’s important to express how their words make you feel and why they are hurtful or damaging to the relationship.
- Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate what is acceptable and unacceptable language in the relationship, and stick to those boundaries.
- Seek Support: Reach out to friends or family for support and perspective on the situation. It can be helpful to get an outside opinion and advice.
- Consider Couples Therapy: If your partner is willing to work on their behavior, couples therapy can help improve communication and address underlying issues causing these toxic phrases to arise.
- Evaluate the Relationship: Consider whether the relationship is healthy and whether your partner is willing to change their behavior. It may be necessary to end the relationship if the toxic behavior continues or your partner is unwilling to change.
Remember, healthy communication is essential in any relationship, and it’s crucial to address any toxic phrases or behaviors as soon as possible. Don’t be afraid to speak up for yourself and seek outside help if needed. Your well-being should always be a top priority in any relationship. Ultimately, you deserve to be in a healthy and respectful partnership where your worth is valued, and your feelings are respected. So don’t settle for anything less than that.
Final thoughts on things your partner should never say to you
Words are powerful, and the way your partner speaks to you can greatly impact your relationship. It’s important to recognize when phrases or behaviors cross boundaries and communicate about them with your partner. A healthy relationship involves mutual respect, open communication, and support for each other’s well-being. If you find yourself in a toxic situation where your partner continually says hurtful things, it may be necessary to reassess the relationship and prioritize your own mental and emotional health.
Always remember that you deserve to be in a loving and healthy partnership where your feelings are valued and respected. If necessary, seek support from loved ones or professionals to help navigate through any difficult situations.
Navigating the complex landscape of love and relationships will always involve challenges. Mastering the art of thoughtful communication and choosing words wisely is a vital skill that can transform a relationship, ensuring that the language of love is spoken with respect and kindness.
Now you know things your partner should never say to you, check out 100 conversation starters for couples and work on your communication in a positive way.
